Worship Leading Anxiety (Kwa-Njenga Catch-up)

Yikes, I have fallen quite behind on blogging… and haven’t really posted anything since we started visiting the slums.. So here’s some catching up, starting from two days ago…

Well today was our first slum visit to Mukuru Kwa-Njenga. There we visited the Comido school where we led worship, performed the drama, and heard a message by Trenton. I was looking forward to our Kwa-Njenga day, because it definitely one of my favorite days of last year’s trip. I loved walking through the slum with all of the excited kids :) Buutt last night I started getting not so excited for today, because Matt and I decided I would lead worship at today’s “concert.” Having to be the actual leader of some of our worship concerts on this trip has been stressing me out for… months. And even though I didn’t expect anything truly disastrous to happen, I got really anxious about having to step out as a leader today. So, I was not in the happiest mood last night or this morning, in preparation for today’s concert. During my anti-social spell on the bus ride to Kwa-Njenga this morning, I prayed that I would be able to get through the set with the right focus. I think I already knew that the Kenyans wouldn’t judge my mistakes in my playing or singing.. which led me to realize that the anxiety I had about leading was really pretty selfish, because all I really feared was the loss of my own comfort. And that alone isn’t very… God-reliant-…like. :P So I prayed that God would help me to focus on why I was doing what I was doing. And strangely enough, as the time for the concert approached, I got less and less nervous. By the time our [worship] team was up there, I didn’t even really remember what there was to be nervous about anymore. Kinda cool. Lately I’ve been struggling with the question of whether I’m called to lead worship. Like, does the fact that I love music and feel called to be involved in worship ministry mean that I need to work on becoming more of a leader? And some wise people I know asked me how I felt after I led. Basically…did I feel the joy of being exactly where God wanted me to be? That’s something I’m still trying to…figure out, I guess. But looking out into the crowd of 300 Comido School students, I felt pretty joyful. Today I felt blessed to be able to lead worship for a room full of Kenyan kids jumping up and down, singing (shouting?) “I AM FREE.” It’s like none of my less-than-perfect singing or playing mattered, because God showed that he could work anyway. He took away my self-consciousness and feelings of inadequacy enough for me to be able to get through the songs… and by his grace, the time was worshipful and such a blessing for us on the team who were leading it :) I sometimes feel like we’re losing the attention of the kids when we play less upbeat songs without motions. Even though they have songbooks with the words, it’s hard to catch on to new songs in a second language the first time you’re hearing them. So it was especially touching to see kids singing the words to Mighty to Save while we were playing. Our God is mighty to save... in America and in Kenya and anywhere else :) I was just so encouraged to hear them singing along to some of the same worship songs we sing back at Lighthouse. It really does bring us all together as one body of Christ, a family under one God... :)